For Mature Audiences
I published apocalypse MMXX in real time as a serialized collection of “Apocalypse Diaries” chronicling the day-to-day madness of the COVID-19 pandemic. Fusing memoir, poetry, music, and art, I tried to weave a 21st-century epic about Suffering, the collective human condition.
These are the entries from the spring of 2020, with the original audio recordings included. Perhaps I’ll share the rest with you someday.
Selections from apocalypse MMXX
The Apocalypse Diaries
from Day One: Friday, March 13, 2020
Today is Friday, March 13, 2020, and my, what a day for words.
In times of distress, I have often found solace in words. Words got me through my childhood (إِذ قالَ يوسُفُ لِأَبيهِ يا أَبَتِ), through early adolescence (wake up in the morning and I ask myself / Is life worth living should I blast myself?), through later adolescence (…vanity of vanities; all is vanity), through my early twenties (To be, or not to be, that is the question), through my late twenties (I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness), and through the countless crises of my days.
Writing and reading them, seeing and hearing them, words express the thoughts and feelings that I taste and smell, but cannot touch. Those jingling in the back of the throat, sizzling behind the nose, tickling the ear and siphoning the colon, cranking the knees and walloping in the pit of the gut. Words paint and sing the sirens of our souls.
“This day will live in infamy,” for example. It’s been a long time since we’ve needed those words. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” is another good set. “.إِنَّ مَعَ العُسرِ يُسرًا” “Pale blue dot.” “All the world’s a stage.” Those too.
Words remind us that we have each other, if nothing else. That we are not alone. That we are not the first or the last. That this is all one coursing continuum of being with arcs and dips and bruises and bumps along the way, and we have only to ride the wave until its very end.
Back to the top.
from Day Three: March 15, 2020
Here’s something we’ve much forgotten in the course of our human plume: if you don’t know something, then shut the fuck up. And if you do know something, and nobody asked you, then still shut the fuck up. And since you don’t know anything, but only think you know something, then generally keep your fucking mouth shut. The venom spurting out the front of your head is a bludgeoning harm to you and those around you. Silence is golden. Shut your face.
Day Six: March 18, 2020
I love you, Mama. I love you, Baba. I love you, siblings. I love you, cousins. I love you, uncle and auntie.
I love you, Ice. I love you, E. I love you, Wes. I love you, Z. I love you all, my friends my neighbors my colleagues my children my countrymen.
I love you, Bugs Bunny. I love you, Barney the Dinosaur. I love you, Mickey Mouse. I love you, Corduroy. I love you, Curious George.
I love you, Bill Shakespeare. I love you, Jack Kerouac. I love you, Chuck Bukowski. I love you, Jim Baldwin. I love you, Walt Whitman. I love you John Coltrane Jim Morrison 2Pac Ludwig Kubrick.
I love you, coffee. I love you, pizza. I love you, chocolate. I love you, Kilwins Tracks. I love you, Frosted Flakes.
I love you, America. I love you, Chicago. I love you, San Francisco. I love you, Costa Rica. I love you love you love you, Detroit, you piece of shit.
I love you, Astro. I love you, Fordson. I love you, Target. I love you, Barnes and Noble. I love you, DIA.
I love you, ocean. I love you, sun. I love you water I love you waves. I love you tulips I love you grass I love you tree you wind you cloud you rain.
I love heels. I love hips. I love panties I love tits. I love lace I love leather I love red I love leopard I love eyes and noses legs and asses lips and lashes smiles skin and hair.
Baby, I love the tiger in your eye. I love your hair in my soup. I love the frog in your chuckle, your lipstick on my collar, your scent on my sleeve, your dimples your warts your stretchmarks your scars your chubby knees. I love your snores. I love your fire and brimstone.
I love you, Allah. Just love us back.
Forgive us, Alaska. Forgive us, Pacifica. Forgive us, Yosemite. Forgive us, Galapagos. Forgive us, Great Barrier Reef.
Forgive us, cows and chickens. Forgive us, squirrels and pigeons. Forgive us, puffins and polar bears. Forgive us, kangaroos.
Forgive us, Buddha. Forgive us, Christ. Forgive us, Martin. Forgive us, Lincoln. Forgive us, Vincent. Forgive us, Harriet. Forgive us, Mother Teresa.
Lisa, you didn’t love me back and I never moved on.
Jasmin, you could’ve called and said you didn’t want to.
Bella, you’re stubborn. Your ego is a disease. You’re dishonest with yourself and too bitter to let go. Ron, the only thing wrong with your life is you. Jenna, we’re not as scared and stupid as you think, and you’re not as right as you think. Billy, you’re an asshole. I never would have said hello had she not asked me to.
Mohammed, Thank you. He pushed me and I fell and he laughed and you almost kicked his ass and he never bothered me again. Rana, I still have the Christmas stocking you gave me, the only holiday gram I ever got.
George, you saved my life. Alan, you help me sleep. Peter, I think about you every day. You gave me a future when I was lost and alone.
Little boy, I’m sorry. She beat you in the store the street the parking lot and I didn’t say anything.
Kevin, I only bullied you because they were bullying me. Zachary, I’m glad we can laugh about it today. Salma, I touched your butt by accident. Chastity, I shoved you because I thought you were cute. Tiffany Angela Nancy Zena Anna Adell, I didn’t know any better.
Jack a dull boy all work and no play makes.
Day One: March 13, 2020
إِذ قالَ … أَبَتِ “When Yusuf said to his father, ‘O Father…’” The Quran 12:4. wake up in…myself “Changes” by 2Pac. …vanity of vanities The Bible KJV Ecclesiastes 1:2. To be…to be Hamlet 3.1. I saw the best…madness Howl by Allen Ginsberg. This day…infamy Franklin D. Roosevelt, New York. December 8, 1941. The only thing…itself Franklin D. Roosevelt’s First Inaugural Address. March 4, 1933. …إِنَّ مَعَ العُسرِ “Indeed ease accompanies hardship.” The Quran 94:5. Pale blue dot Pale Blue Dot by Carl Sagan. All the world’s a stage As You Like It 2.8. Beauty is truth…know “Ode to a Grecian Urn” by John Keats.
Day Six: March 18, 2020
I. Corduroy from Corduroy by Don Freeman. Chuck Bukowski poet (1920-1994). Jack Kerouac author (1922-1969). Jim Baldwin writer and activist (1924-1987). Jim Morrison singer (1943-1971). 2Pac rap artist (1971-1996). Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827). Kubrick, Stanley; filmmaker (1928-1999). Kilwins Tracks an ice cream flavor at Kilwins; Petoskey, Michigan. Astro Coffee in Detroit. Fordson High School in Dearborn, Michigan. DIA The Detroit Institute of Arts, Detroit. fire and brimstone The Bible KJV Revelation 21:8.
II. Yosemite National Park in California. Galapagos Islands off the coast of Ecuador. Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia. Martin Luther King (1929-1968). Lincoln, Abraham (1809-1865). Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890). Harriet Tubman (c. 1822-1913). Mother Teresa (1910-1997).
III. Jack…makes The Shining, 1980.
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