apocalypse March 26, 2020

 

As of this day, the Twenty-Sixth of March, In The Year of Our Lord 2020, I have completed exactly Sixteen Consecutive Quarantined Days since disembarking from Flight NK 380 to Detroit, and it seems that I can now dismiss any immediate concerns with regard to the possibility that the little girl in pink who was coughing up a storm or the carcass behind me who was vomiting out his lungs have managed to fatally infect me. Yes, it seems I’ll live to fight another day! Yes, it seems all is not lost, after all! The sun was out yesterday and Congress is passing bills. I cruised down Hines and sang along with The Doors. Then the sheriff stopped me for running a stop sign, but then, he let me go, ‘cuz hey! What a guy! And Mom sent over mujaddara while Dad told corny jokes! Yes, this is it, my friends! We made it out alive! Yes, it’s all over but the crying without the crying! Yes, I think I’ll take up the violin today! Where have all my buddies gone? It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Yes, Sing Dance Frolic Fly Yes NOTHING can go wrong!

 

 

I haven’t looked upon a woman in two weeks. Tyger Tyger, burning bright, I gotta get some ass tonight.

 

“Break on Through” seemed unusually slower today than I remember. So does 40 miles per hour.

 

 

Who needs a sport when you have a Coronavirus Covid-19 Live World Interactive Map? How’s that for fair competition? And marble racing, which is strikingly thrilling.

 

 

 

The greatest story ever told, this Donald Trump. Makes Napoleon look like an action figure and Hitler like a Cabbage Patch Kid. No human thing in history can compare.

 

 

 

 

 

That woman is walking her dog far too seriously.

 

 

 

Fuck’d this beard come from?

 

 

 

On a hill, on a hill, on a hill, on a hill, on a hill, there lies a home.

 

 

 

 

Hundreds of millions of people are going to die.

We might as well just write it in the books:

The worst year of our species’ history.

 

 

 

Ammu, God is not your personal genie.

God is the source of all that is in the Universe.

He’s not some nanny floating behind you

dodging your meteors and sugaring your tea.

And He’s not flicking viruses off of your hands

and paving your life like some frantic sweeper

at a curling event. That’s not how He works.

He’s hoisting the heavens and keeping Balance.

And you, personally, aren’t worth His time.

So stay home, sir, and wash your hands. With soap.

 

 

50 Shades of Bad:

Bad this sucks. Bad this hurts. Bad this is sad. Bad this is mad. Bad this isn’t supposed to be this way. Bad I miss pizza. Bad I ate pizza. Bad I might not survive this thing. Bad I might survive this thing. Bad I might have to survive this thing. Bad please everyone I love: survive this thing. Bad get busy. Bad too busy. Bad I need sun. Bad I hate sun. Bad I miss everyone. Bad I don’t miss anyone. Bad I hate Chinks bad I hate Arabs bad I hate Beaners bad I hate Americans. Bad I don’t matter. Bad I do matter. Bad nothing matters. Bad everything matters. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President. Bad Donald Trump is President.

Ah, bad. Each a unique and distinguished punch in the nuts.

 

 

 

NOTES

The Doors an American rock band. mujaddara a traditional lentil-based dish of the Middle East. Tyger Tyger, burning bright by William Blake. “Break on Through” by The Doors. Cabbage Patch Kid a popular children’s toy doll. Ammu “respected elder” in Arabic. curling an Olympic sport. He’s hoisting…Balance “And He raised the sky and set up the balance” The Quran 55:7. Chinks an ethnic slur towards the Chinese and peoples of the Far East. Beaners an ethnic slur toward Mexicans.

 

 

Read more by Yousef Alqamoussi.

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