The Apocalypse Diaries (Day Ten: 3-22-2020)

Not for children

Here’s a list of things I’m thinking but probably shouldn’t say:

1.  Once upon a time, a troop of apes mutated into pale hairless chatterboxes and diseased the natural world. They tore out trees, broke up mountains, trashed the oceans, melted the glaciers, smogged the atmosphere, enslaved the animal kingdom, dumped fire from the heavens, and germinated strip malls. Just seconds before this tweeting virum had entirely annihilated life on this planet, The Universe decided to table its limitless tolerance of these ungrateful beings and put a few things back in their places. So instead of wiping out the festering lot of them, it chose instead, out of the kindness of its heart, to just give them a nice solid smack across the face. And although most of them took sick and many of them died, what happened ultimately forced these two-legged hills of flesh to slow down, contemplate, listen, appreciate, and recognize all of the boundless gifts that this planet has to offer. And that was the worst thing that ever happened.

Am I missing something?

2.  Covid-19 is not the virus, folks. Covid-19 is the hero to the rescue; WE are the virus. And Covey came along just in fucking time, too, because just moments before the Universe pulled the plug on us and saved us from ourselves, we were about to orchestrate our own extinction! Last year, we took Our Mother’s trees; this year, She’s coming for our lungs. Fair is fair.

3.  If by this Holy Sunday The Twenty-Second of March In The Year of Our Lord 2020, you’re still strolling around picking your nose, licking your fingertips, and sneezing into a crowded dinner table (let alone sitting at one), then maybe viruses are supposed to eliminate stubborn, pompous, ignorant fucking retards like you. Maybe that’s the job of viruses, natural selection, and the general Wrath of the Almighty God: to Lysol the Earth of you pricks. You’re ambling around Noah’s Flood without so much as an umbrella, motherfucker, and canvassing your shrapnel all over very innocent people whose only crime in life was to have known, been born, or been around the likes of a fuck like you. Stay your vermin ass home, motherBITCH. And if you’re someone I know and love whose actions could best be described in terms of the aforementioned tirade, then to you, in particular: ALL of what I just said, AND! FUCK YOU upside your HEAD!

4.  I think a lot of folks weren’t washing their hands before, like, last week. But they sure were wiping the fuck out of their asses.

5.  NOTHING can go wrong! Did I ever tell you that I hope to God my last words on Earth will be “NOTHING can go wrong!” How awesome would that be? Just imagine a room full of grievers in somber solemnity seated before a Minister who has no choice but to say: “…And Yousef was a good man. And Yousef was a kind man. And his last words were ‘NOTHING can go wrong!’ Right before he was mauled to death by that Sea-Bear who happened to be crossing the street.” Come on, you’d laugh. That shit would be epic.

6.  Things are going forward, for sure. The only way is onward and outward. But things are never going back. Last week is a primordial soup. Good. I don’t want things to go back. I don’t miss who we were back then. I don’t miss the long line at the peak of Everest or those infested sunsets in Santorini. I don’t miss the vitriol on the roads. I don’t miss that violence on social media. I don’t miss being so unhappy when everything I had was perfect.

No, this is better than what any of us suppose, and luckier.


hills of flesh “Henry IV Part 1” 2.4. Sea-Bear a fictional monster from “SpongeBob SquarePants: ‘The Camping Episode’” 3.57b. onward and outward “Song of Myself, 6” by Walt Whitman. better than…luckier “Song of Myself, 6”.

Day Eleven.